Dear Diary | Broken

Dear Diary,

I broke.  Broken down on the bathroom floor, hyperventilating.  It was ugly and I truly felt as if I had hit rock bottom.

infertility, IVF journey, IVF quotes

This is the side of IVF no one talks about.  The loneliness, the screaming, the crying, the feeling that this is never going to happen.  Sure, I had all of that before we started this journey.  The loneliness that it was my fault we couldn’t conceive.  The screaming in pain every month with my endometriosis.  The crying when I would get my period and it was another failed month of trying.  But, when we got that golden ticket on our first visit with Dr. Check, my hope started to rise again.  I didn’t feel so alone as I sat in a waiting room with a dozen other couples.  I was screaming with tears of  joy knowing this may actually be a reality.  I finally got that feeling that I could actually get pregnant!!

That was short lived.

Being that most couples have to wait years to get into IVF, I think the nurses at my office assumed I already know of the process.  (The IVF nurses are different than the IUI nurses.)  However, I had no idea what I was really suppose to do next.  It was very naive on my part to expect a phone call from the doctors office, but the month of March got away from me and before I knew it I had gotten my period.  Oh sh*t!  Did I miss the ball?? Yep, that ball flew right over my head and about ten feet out of my arm’s reach.

So here I am, Monday morning, trying to figure out how to get ahold of my injection medicines.  Between the calls to the doctor’s office and the insurance company, it’s lucky I don’t have to worry about going over my minutes!!  Being bounced back and forth from the nurses station to the billing department, no one really seemed to know what was going on.  Talk about frustrating, ON ALL OF US! Finally we figured out that the nurses order my prescription to the specialty pharmacy, three times might I add, yet the pharmacy hasn’t received any of the faxes.

Cue the tears…..

That feeling of hope, gone.  Those tears of joy were back as tears of pain.  It didn’t help that I was dealing with all of this during day 1 and day 2 of my cycle.  (aka the first two days of my period)  And being a woman with endometriosis, I usually have to spend these two days in bed, knocked out with pain meds.  So, being in a super state of an emotional train wreck, it hit me that I have to wait ANOTHER month.  And just like a train wreck, I crashed and crashed hard.  Hard onto the bathroom floor.

infertility, IVF journey, IVF quotes

It has been a few days now and I’m finally starting to feel better.  My menstrual pain is gone and I finally feel like I know what needs to be done in terms of my medication.  I still have a few phone calls to make, but I am back on track.  Back to feeling some hope again.  Back to realizing this will all be over soon and so, SO worth it.

I want to thank the girls I have been texting FRANTICALLY over the last few days (ahem, one in particular lol) and to the others who have checked in on me!  I could never have made it through this week without you gals!! So much love!

Ok, back to work!! I have some gorgeous babies to edit and some Friends reruns to watch!

xoxo, Heather

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Heather michelle is a photography studio based in Deptford, NJ